Courageous

courageous, adj.
not deterred by danger or pain; brave
possessing or displaying courage; able to face and deal with danger or fear without flinching.

This definition does not characterize my reaction Saturday morning when I woke up to an email from my Aphasiology professor explaining that our cumulative exam that is scheduled for this Tuesday had been changed from an online (and consequently, open book/open note) exam, to an in-class, paper-based exam (no books/no notes). Aphasiology is the study of language disorders that result from brain damage, and I am not looking forward to relying on my own gray matter to propel me through this monstrous final. This discovery lead to about 24 hours of outrage, frustration, self-pity, and panic.

Last night I was about to go to bed when I came across a friend's blog that reminded me of the challenges that God calls us to face as we pursue His plan for our lives. When I stopped to consider the trials, challenges, and periods of waiting that so many of my friends and family seem to be undergoing right now, I could not help being impressed by two things: 1) I have some pretty courageous friends and family members, and 2) although I sometimes cannot see God's purpose when I'm in the midst of a trial, I can usually see at least a few good things that He has brought about by the time I come to the end of it. And while an aphasia final is not the most challenging circumstance God will ask me to face in life, or maybe even this month, I can take comfort in God's faithfulness and His promise to provide. As he has been faithful in the past, he continues to be faithful to those who lean on Him in times of need. I am thankful for the people in my life who have become living testimonies to trusting in His faithfulness as they courageously face the challenges that have been set before them.

Dissatisfaction

I am not a fan of a few of the cold, hard rules of physics. I'm mostly objecting to the rules of time and space.

An Ultimatum

You may have noticed a slight lapse in my blogging. A lapse which coincidentally coincides with . . . the beginning of school. As I feared, the days of restlessness before school started are beginning to look very attractive.

It may come as no surprise that the toughest part of grad school is not the quizzes and tests themselves (or the readings, reports, article reviews, observations, therapy sessions, meetings, etc. . . .), but the process of figuring out how to maintain some semblance of balance in my life. When I get home from class and know that I only have a few short hours to eat, sleep, study, and plan before I have to return, I start to feel overwhelmed.

During my Research Methods class this week, I realized how this question of priorities and a seemingly impossible set of demands on our time and mental health is beginning to weigh on each of my classmates. In a review of experimental design, our professor asked us to come up with hypothetical experiments complete with independent and dependent variables. There was a definite theme in the suggestions:

How do the number hours of slept affect test performance?
How does frequency of exercise affect weight?
How do the number of books required per semester affect my bank account?
How do the number of classes required affect student stress level?

As my classmates shared examples, I could hear the question, "Will I be dumb, fat, broke, or insane by the end of the semester? Or some dreadful combination thereof?" Grad school makes a pretty convincing argument that you that you cannot possibly learn and maintain your bank account, health, and sanity.

With therapy starting next week, my stress level has definitely been going up. The past two nights, I have felt wired. I have stayed up too late and popped up earlier in the morning than I intended because my mind has been constantly going over my ever-increasing to-do list. But I realize that sometimes I will need to take time out - even when I'm not completely caught up. Because I need time to process, to pray, to sleep, and to take care of myself, or I will not make it through the semester.

So that's what I'm doing tonight. Processing. And asking for prayers.

And now I will go to sleep! Without even cracking a textbook. And believe me, I am tempted. Tomorrow I'm going to church with a girl from class, which should also help me regain some perspective :)

Who is your everyone?

The other day, I went to a Bible study at a church that I'm considering attending. We began studying the passage from Mark 1 when Jesus is experiencing a wave of popularity as people watch him miraculously heal and cast out demons. One morning, Jesus takes time away from the crowds of followers to spend some time by himself in a "solitary place". Before long, Peter and the disciples search for him. When they find him, they encourage him to go back to the crowd. "Everyone is looking for you!", they exclaim.

During our discussion, I began to think about how uncomfortable I am with solitude. As we discussed various spiritual habits, I quickly identified taking time to be alone with God as an area of particular struggle for me.

As we began to apply the lesson to our own lives, the facilitator of the Bible study posed a question, "The disciples tell Jesus, 'Everyone is looking for you!' Who is your everyone?" I considered for a moment before realizing: I have been in San Diego for exactly two weeks. No one apart from my roommate even knows I'm here. No one is looking for me.

I like to be around people. Even when I'm doing solitary things like reading or studying, it is a comfort for me to have someone in my vicinity. If I were Jesus, instead of enjoying the temporary quiet, I would probably be tempted to rush headlong into the crowd and shout, "Here I am!" (Ok, maybe I wouldn't shout. But I might sidle up to Peter and James and say, "How about a game of Balderdash?")

God's timing is funny. When I was feeling discontent with my temporary phase of solitude, he reminded me of the importance of taking time away from "everyone" and everything to be near him. He reminded me that what I perceived as loneliness could be his gift.

New Leaves

Whenever I move, ideas start popping into my head about ways that I can start anew in a new locale. Shed habits I don't like, change things about myself.

I will exercise more, I'll eat better, I'll be more outgoing. I'll pray more. I'll be more organized. I won't get lost. I won't lose things.

And while no matter how I scheme, the me that I can't help being always shows up (like when my first solo trip to the beach was almost ruined when I dropped my apartment keys somewhere in the sand. I'm still beaming thank yous to whichever benevolent stranger turned them in to the lifeguard office.)

But I'm realizing that doesn't mean that change isn't happening, that I'm not growing. But the growth doesn't happen in the transition; it happens in the day in and day out of living in a place. I can look back at each community I've joined, and see the ways I've grown as I've been privileged to know and be known. To get to know people, souls, to understand a little bit of who they are, what struggles they face, what battles they have won, and those they continue to fight. Sharing the benefits of their victories and the encouragement that comes from living this crazy life together.

Word Play

An amazing concept. This makes me want to make movies. (Credit for this youtube discovery goes to mom).

Waiting

I find myself newly installed in my apartment in San Diego. With my wonderful moving/encouragement team back to their respective lives, what felt more like vacation has taken a very definite turn for reality. And I have seven days before I begin school.

So what is a girl with no (proximal) friends, a to-do list that will not last the day much less the week, and a bunch of free time to do?

The answer seemed clear: start a blog.

Before you get too excited, here are a few caveats:

1. I claim the right not to update. This could be my last post.
2. I assert my right to be completely uninteresting. In the event that I do continue, you might wish this was my last post.
3. Although blogger is a free service, a phrase which here means, I don't have to pay a dime to pour out my insights into cyberspace, that doesn't mean that it is free for you to read my blog. Payment is accepted in the form of words of encouragement, visits, and updates about your own lives (via whatever medium you prefer, email, snail mail, phone calls, text messages, carrier pigeon, etc.)

Last night I was feeling rather overwhelmed at the prospect of carving out a new life in a new town . . . yet again. I was wishing I could just dive in and start school, instead of waiting a week for things to get rolling. But then I started thinking about how many people I know would love a week to explore, to make music, to read, to write, and to rest. In some ways, I still wish I could gift it to you, but since I seem to be stuck with it, I'll do my best to use it well.